I've never really celebrated Mother's Day how it should be done. I've called my mom, and told her I loved her. I've gone out to dinner with her. I've even bought her presents. But I've never really let my mom know how much she means to me.
No, we don't have one of those best friend relationships. No, we aren't constant enemies. For the most part we get along, and sometimes we fight. Sometimes she has opinions I don't see eye to eye with her on. But that's something we have to get over as people.
When I think about my family, she's the only constant. My brothers fade in and out of existence, and my Dad is all but nonexistent. But my mom is the only person who always comes to mind when someone says family.
When is was in 8th grade, I realized the worst feeling I could ever feel. When you're crying, because it's all feels hopeless, and the strongest person you know is crying and feeling the same. It's impossible to think anythings going to get better. My mom is the strongest person I know. She's just like her mother before her. That was when my oldest brother moved to Idaho, basically because he had no options left here.
Then my grandmother died. I refused to cry in front of her. I refused to cry in front of anyone. But if my mom was putting on a brave face, then so was I. Since then I've let my guard down. I've cried about it. I still cry about it. When we went to visit my brother in Idaho for his daughters first birthday, I cried to my mom in a furniture store because a room reminded me of my grandma's house. But I couldn't cry then.
It's hard to talk to my mom about some things. I don't want her to be disappointed in me. I don't want her to see me fail. I've let her down before. And it hurt every single time.
But sometimes I need her to realize that I live my life for me. I can't be held accountable for what my brothers have done before me. And if I make a mistake, I'm the one who has to fix it. And I will, in my own time.
She didn't really want me to go to Japan. She was worried.
Whenever I brought it up, she'd make a bit of a sour face. I know it's because she worried. She told me that. And I understand. I can't imagine how hard it would be to let your child go to another country alone, to meet people they've never met before.
She didn't stop me, she even helped me.
When I moved into my apartment beforehand, she was the one person who never said a single bad thing about it. She always had faith in me, and my room mates. My mom helped us move, and even let us have some of her old furniture. When we told her boyfriend, and Amanda's dad that they couldn't stay in the apartment while we weren't there she was glad. Everyone else said it was rude. She was proud.
Sometimes, when I think about my mom, I want to cry.
It's one of the biggest fears of mine that she'll get sick. That she might get Cancer. I don't care if I do, I would much prefer it. But I'm not as strong as her. I couldn't handle it. I would rather suffer than watch her die.
I've learned so much from her.
You're always polite. Always. You're never rude to people, and you certainly don't yell or get mad at them. But when you do, they deserve it. If she's yelling at someone, they've done something WRONG.
I learned how to deal with my father from her. When he's drunk and fighting with you, the second he starts swearing you walk away. It's not worth it, because he's not listening anymore.
Everything I know about how to be a good upstanding person, I learned from her. When people are rude in public, I think "If I ever did that my mom would have smacked me across the face." Something she's never done. But I would never do those things, because I was raised right.
My brothers and I may not be perfect, and we may have our flaws...but you can be certain that my mom knows how to raise children right because we're not spoiled, and we're good people. We don't have undeserved self entitlement. We're not rude, we're not mean.
She raised us right. Almost alone. I have a thousand memories of my father doing wrong. Of ruined holidays, special events that he made bad. But not a single one of my mother. She's never done anything bad. Not to me.
Middle School, and all of High School was just me, my mom, and my brother. And we survived. She made sure of it.
When my friends, or people I see, complain that their lives were so hard I always shrug it off and tell them that mine was fine. Nothing that bad ever happened to me. Sure, I've had problems. But my mom made sure I had a good childhood, regardless. She was always stable. Always.
The last message I sent my mother, a day or so ago, wasn't very kind. I didn't say anything mean, but it was short and choppy. I was annoyed by things she'd said, and how she treated my late response to her message. I regret it, especially being mother's day. When I looked at her facebook, I saw this posted on her page from the day I left for Tokyo.
"Michelle left for Japan today, when she called at 4 am and said she had made it to the airport i was excited, when she got to LA for her connecting flight and sent me a message I was happy it was going smoothly, but when I got the text saying " Love you mommy and see you in June" Just before takeoff to Japan, I cried. Tokyo is a long way away. Safe trip Michelle and love you too. Have a blast."
I cried. I tried not to, but the tears wouldn't stop.
I cry every time I read it. I keep crying while writing this.
I understand this post has been all over the place, and is hard to read. But the only message that needs to be read, and understood at all is this.
I love my mom more than anything. She is the strongest person I know, and will ever meet. She is my Superhero. If I can become half of what she is before I die, I'll know I've accomplished something.
Mom, I love you, and I miss you.
Thank you for everything. Someday I'll make you proud.
-Michelle
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| April 2011 - Mom and Me. |
